So one day my room mate's girlfriend gave the neighborhood kids some cookies. So now for like the fourth day in a row the little shits have been ringing my doorbell and asking if we have cookies. I of course tell them no. This last time the hellspawn rang the bell like she was an epileptic crackhead or something.

I've thought of the perfect way to stop these kids from bothering me. I'll have to go by the leasing office and clear it with them first though so we don't get evicted or anything. Just tell them "Hey listen, I'm having some problems with the neighborhood kids so I'd like to do something to take care of it. Now you know I've never been convicted or even charged with anything and you can check it again if you want, but I'd like to go around and tell the parents that live around me that I'm a convicted sexual offender and that I am required by federal law to inform them." I figure that'll have them keeping their kids away from my door.

But puppies don't count.  And when was the last time you heard of a kid listening to their parents.

Put arsenic in some cookies.  That'll show them.

Answer the door with a chicken bone (kitten/puppy?) in your hand and then ask them if they want any of your fresh barbeque'd kitten/puppy, saying that it's an American spin on a classic Asian dish.  Or something like that, equally traumatizing involving food.  Who knows, you could even toss in the fact that your roommate used kitten blood in the cookie recipe, that's why it was so sweet and delicious.

Seriously, use your heritage to your advantage! :D

my room mate wants to make some ex-lax cookies for them

I was thinking for Phase 2 of my plan I could start answering the door naked

Either that or just kidnap the next kid that comes by for a couple days. Only problem with that is that you actually have to keep the little buggers alive don't ya? Hmmm, yeah that's a problem. I couldn't even keep a houseplant alive.

Wynds going to jail for a very long time sometime real soon. Try telling their parents they wont stop ringing your bell before you get yourself hauled off.

Not enough to kill um, jsut enough to make um realy sick?

uh why dont you just tell them to fuck off?

Do what you do when you have racoons bothering you.
Get a pellet gun and start shotting at um. That'll teach um not to come round.

you should walk outside naked with a half naked woman in one arm, a cigar in your mouth, and a cowboy hat hanging from your crotch....without the use of your hands if u get my drift, and then offer them some alcohol. Jail? more than likely, but your kid problem will quickly turn into you getting a human injection from a big guy named molly while youre in the jailhouse shower.  :police: 

Yeah my bro got married and instantly i have like 2 8 and 10 year old nephews so i know how it feels.  They always want to come back to my place and play video games and stuff and i'm like i have to go to work... and there like we'll be careful, then one time they actually tried to steal my GTA san andreas then told their mom that I said they could have it.... I hate those little fuckers

Hell hath no fury like that of a few pissed off kids. They can do anything without getting into serious trouble. Also, if you answer the door naked, thats a crime. If you still think its a good idea to answer the door naked, videotape it. Not the naked asian man, but the reaction to the naked asian man.
You dont have to do much to the cookies, just put a lot of salt into the dough. You dont have the give the kids the runs, you just need the cookies to taste bad.

Dont do ex-lax people go to jail for that now. Your best bet is to do what nam said, and then put up no tresspassing signs and warn the parents that if they tresspass they will be shot.  That way you warned them and clearly posted that you are a crazy and to avoid contact with you.

georb's plan should involve a naked asian man and a unicorn